Time and again I see young men in couples therapy who when angry with their wives or girlfriends will call them horrible names. If you can’t say it on TV you shouldn’t be saying it to your partner. However, the men usually explode after they have showed a genuine effort to meet the emotional demands of their women. But when the women respond with aggressive disappointment and criticism the men feel psychologically shredded. The men are typically told that they can’t love, or be intimate, or handle responsibility. Eventually the men blow up and the name calling begins.
Women then say that the men were being abusive.
Well, each party has been mean. Men shouldn’t but do say derogatory names, however, women often have hidden their anger behind civilized relationship talks; when they have been, in fact, out to retaliate against the men that have been disappointed them.
(Obviously, any gender can be mean, but in general both sexes have their typical style.)
Women can stop this cycle of demand and male compliance followed by blows up.
Stop commenting on your partner. For example, own your needs.” I want” is better than saying to someone ” you should.”
“I feel close to you,” surely creates a better vibe than saying “you don’t hug me enough.”
Men, stop responding like you are a kid on the playground. Rage hides your own self doubt. Feeling angry is one thing, blowing up means you feel as if you need approval from the woman who is being critical of you.
Stop the fight. Tolerate being misunderstood until you can have a conversation with her where you can hold onto your adult self.
