Good & Bad fights

Two types of fighting:
1) Stupid and destructive fights- because you just want to be in control.
2) Difficult but productive fights- although saying the truth initially feels painful. The tricky thing about fighting is that your hurt and anger created the fight but the end comes about only when you say the scary truth. Here’s the deal – be prepared to hear the truth from the other guy. If you win every fight then you don’t fight fairly. If you lose most fights, your partner probably doesn’t want to accept change. If you argue while drinking and drugging, it’s a waste of time for both parties. Since you’re not in reality there is nothing to accomplish, except venting.
3) A good fight usually has the couple alternating who is right and wrong. Sometimes the more sane partner can stop an escalation. Sometimes fighting also means shutting up and listening. Don’t take put downs or insults but listen when your partner says, ” I don’t know how to reach you.”
4) Fights happen often when one partner can’t feel the other partner being present. Sure the partner is in the room but holding back feelings or shut down. Sometimes a partner needs to back off to calm things down.
But remember you may feel like you’re a helpless boy or girl losing someone you love and they have the power, but you are also someone with values and a good heart and an adult brain.
5) Stop panicking. Fights don’t have to be fixed right away. Take some time. Think about your real goals. Why are you fighting?
6) Hint: fear of abandonment and/or a scary belief the person you love isn’t safe.
7) Love is scary and sometimes we go a little nuts trying to figure out what is real.
8) After a fight you should still feel lovable and worthy although sad, and scared it happened.
9) Fight with words that express true need not demands. I am lonely is an expression of feeling. Do not say, “I feel like you don’t spend enough time with me.” That’s an accusation.
10) Good fights take practice. If you train at sports or play an instrument you get the picture. Practice and practice and expect to have some lousy work outs!

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