Loving and losing your way

1) A couples fierce fighting is never about the present condition, although it may be triggered by current behavior.
2) The fight began years before you met.
3) Pain, disappointment, and conflict are part of learning to love well.
4) Unfortunately the defenses we learned as a kid are not helping us as adults.
5) Our dormant fears such as terror, abandonment, assault, condemnation, anxiety and helplessness can turn even the kindest person into a dirty fighter.
6) Dirty fighting is an intention to render your partner into submission. It can appear as intimidation, force, ridicule, being a control freak, withdrawing, sarcasm, name-calling, bringing up everything you’ve ever been upset about, never forgiving, being a martyr, refusing to listen, never shutting up, revenge, taking no responsibility, claiming your partner is too sensitive and breaking a partners sense of worth.
7) Even if you have no clue as to what your partner is talking about you are still part of the problem. You either add to a constructive argument or you make it worse.
8) If you are accusing your partner of emotional crimes against you be very specific. “When you come home 4 hrs late…..
9) What is the goal of the fighting? Repair? Punishment? Acknowledgement?
10) After some non-dirty venting, tell your partner what you want. It is not obvious.

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